Monster

My lungs were just violated.

No, really.  Like seriously raped.  Without warning. 

A restroom is a restroom, right?  So with it comes the requisite scents of various excrement, bodily fluid, etc.  Yick.

 So, as an intelligent being, I have trained myself to tolerate what I consider to be a reasonable level of this yickyness- scent-wise in a “slightly” public restroom (ie:  the bathroom at work)…as it is just human operation.  So for the most part…we all do this shit, right? right. (pun intended)

But is it too much to ask that if you already know your shit does more than just stink, but is inherently grotesque and monstrous, *VIDEO* can you help the people out?!?!?!?

This woman (wait, is it really safe to call her that????) walked out of the restroom chatting happily, almost bouncing, as I’m sure the load she just let go must have weighed a literal ton, like she scented the space like a flower. I headed inside after 2 cups of water were just pressing to be free…..and nearly DIED.  My nostril hairs and lung cilia are still in shock; burning, expiring.

And yes, I know it was the same chick who was on her phone.  How do I KNOW this, you ask??  BECAUSE SHE WAS STILL BREATHING!!!!!!  No living creature outside of the bathroom would have lasted a whole cell phone sentence, let alone a conversation up in that stench. 

I “suited up”…immediately.  I have never been happier to have worn a turtleneck, immersed in  japanese cherry blossom scented fragrance mist.  I’m glad I didn’t wear makeup today, because it would have clearly been smeared all over the inside of my turtleneck collar since the collar doubled as a life-saving facemask to preserve my health and existence on the planet.  So I send out my sincerest thanks to my ivory Mossimo turtleneck for being a hero!  LONG LIVE THE TURTLENECK!

I remember in childhood, after we were old enough to go to the restroom alone, my Mommie would “time” us when we got permission to leave our seats in church to make a restroom run.  She would give us two minutes.  I would always think:  “but what if it takes longer?”  who times their stream?!?!?  “is she serious???!!”  But without fail, I always made it back in what I thought was the two-minute time limit.  (Now that I’m grown, I don’t think she REALLY timed us – but those parenting tricks absolutely do work.)

Trust me when I say, I took less than 30 seconds up in that joint today!  I was pressing those kegels to expel as fast as they could go!!!!!  My lungs said IT IS TIME TO LEAVE!!!

AND I STILL HAD TO WASH MY HANDS!!!!!!!!!!   

………You know I hate this heifa now, right?? 

I have decided that she is a beast. I do not like her kind.  I will never speak to her again.  My eyes, nose and lungs will never forgive her.

Never.