Dating Chronicles, Vol. 1: Whole Foods is the Hook-Up spot, ya heard?

I met this guy in Whole Foods on Saturday afternoon around 3:30/3:45pm.   

As a backdrop, know that this Whole Foods is situated in close proximity to a L.A. Fitness Gym, and frequented by bounds of nicely chisled men (maybe women too; haven’t noticed), and just generally always crowded, you know how Whole Foods does…..

From behind I hear ” i love your hair, it’s beautiful”
 
Then this guy walks next to me and says hello.  Then asks if I heard what he said.  I lied.  I said “No”.  (lol)
So he repeats.  “Your hair is beautiful, I love it.”  
“Is it yours?”
***WHAT IN THE F^#&?!**** that was what the expression on my face said.
So, he stammers and cleans it up…”I mean, i have 8 sisters, so, you know, I’m just asking….It’s really pretty”
me: *blank stare*
“What? You’re mad at me because I think your hair is pretty?”
 
MIND YOU, I have said NOTHING as he stumbles through this bullshit exchange.  
 
So I told him, no I wasn’t mad.  And I said Thank you.  Then smiled warmly. lol
 
(As I relayed this story to my cousins, The Butterfly {my ten year old little cousin that I claim as my own child}, looked at me like “What?!?!”  and turns her mouth up and says “Ummm, RED FLAG”  – I swear that child is a genius – ha ha)  
So, he goes on to tell me that he is at work. He is a police officer, and he is doing plain clothes security for the store.  At first I said ok….but then I was like, RIGHT.  WHATEVER.

So I asked, are you lying???? 
He was like, what do I have to lie for?  Why would I lie?  I said, I don’t know why anyone lies, but…..*shrug*
 
So he recites his life……hated school, was an athlete (sport is fuzzy, because I don’t think I really cared…..) his sisters (eight of them – he’s the baby of the family) made him/helped him go to college.  And the cheerleaders helped him with his homework.  He has a Bachelor’s Degree in Criminal Justice from UIC.  He married one of the cheerleaders…..has 4 kids, ranging fom 16 to 2 years old.  Was recently divorced – as in, finalized a month ago.  Ex-wife and children just moved to another state.  Children coming to visit him next weekend.    He can’t wait to get back in a relationship. 
 
– I asked WHY?!?!?  I’m thinking if you JUST ended a relationship……what is your rush.  And there, the codependent, controlling issues surfaced.  He loved being pampered.  Wanted his chick to shampoo his hair for him.  Wash his back. Cook for him, etc…
 
Asked me if I had a boyfriend, had I been married, do you have any kids…..”WHAT?!?!?  You are 40 and don’t have any kids???  WHY NOT?!?!?”  I said, I’ve never been married. With a blank expression on my face.   (He’s clueless, obviously, about the traditional order or something, even though it seemed that all of his children were birthed by the one woman…..but I don’t know if any of the children came before the ring).  Told me he had room for 5 kids, so he had room for one more.  (ha ha. hee hee…hell no.)  Got my #.  Acted in super disbelief that I wasn’t already dating someone here in Chicago, being that I was SOOOOOO beautiful.  (awww, compliment.)
 
So, by this time, his “supervisor” was sniffing around…..gave some credence to his story about being a plain clothes officer, etc…..and then I felt like he was sorta stalking me around the store.  He called me and found me in another aisle.  I was on the phone with my cousin…..so as he’s listening in on the conversation, information about going out later was gleaned.  This caused him pause.  Then he asked, where my cousins were from (south suburbs), oh, you’re going out?????  Just chatter about all of that.  I got the sense he was surprised that I had a life….But then, I guess he forgot HE came and approached me….NOT the other way around.  
 
I wasn’t turned off….but only marginally interested since I had known of his existence on the planet for approximately 20 minutes.
 
He was most definitely interfering with my shopping agenda, and I had other things to do so I said, “Yeah, so I’m going to go.  Yeah.  I’m going to go.  You have my number, so feel free to call….later…when you have time.”  
 
lol. 
 
He did.
 
But I was busy, so I told him I would call him when I left my cousins.
 
Had to hit up the Walmart though, so that prolonged the time.  So about 8:00 pm, I returned this phone call. While I was driving home.  I tried to make the conversation brief as I didn’t have my earpiece with me.  He (yes, this police officer) told me “they” wouldn’t bother me as long as I wasn’t speeding or anything.  I explained that it wasn’t safe regardless. 
 
Issues.
 
He returned to the conversation about me going out.  Asked me what I was going to wear. I don’t know what the big deal was.  But his “ex” issues re-surfaced.  “My ex went out all the time, and I don’t have a problem with that.  Go ahead, go out.  Enjoy yourself.  But then when I went out, it was a problem.  I wasn’t even out late.  I don’t drink, or smoke.  So I was always the designated driver”. . .. .BLAH BLAH….BLAH BLAH BLAH……
Why are we talking about his ex????  (Negro, you are most clearly NOT ready to date….ANYONE)
So, in his muddled conversational tone, he asked me something about what I was doing after I went out…..breakfast or something.  My response was, nah, I’ll probably just go home and go to sleep.
 
Why this response upset him confused me, until I realized he was ASKING me to breakfast after I went out.  Like 3 or 4 AM.   HUH?!?!?!  “I don’t know that we’ll be out that late.”
 
So then he was like, why don’t you come see me before you go out? 
–“I don’t have time”
 
“What do you mean you don’t have time??!?!?!  It’s only 8:00!!” “The party doesn’t even get started before 11/12”
 
–“Umm, because we are meeting at 9:30 and I’m still not even home and gotten dressed” “Why do you have an attitude?  You don’t even know my schedule and you are automatically acting like I’m doing something wrong.  Why are you so negative????
 
“That’s why women are single. You wanna hang out with your girls and soon as they ask you out, you running to do that, but when they get a man, they will leave you all by yourself and go spend time with their man.”
 
–“HUH?!?!?”…..”Okay, I’ma talk to you later”
 
“yeah, ok. Whatever”
 
So I hung up….. turned my cd player up loud…..enjoyed the rest of my trip home.
 
Once I got inside, I realized I had missed his call……and a voicemail.  Decided I would listen to it once I got dressed and ready to leave to go out.
 
“yeah, if you call me back or not, man, it really don’t matter. if you was planning on calling me back or not, i really don’t care.
but uh, you go out and have you a nice time. man, you know what I’m saying.
like i said, you 40 years old *chuckle* my bad, you like going out to party, what’s wrong with that?
well ain’t nothin wrong with it, but then again, it is something wrong with it, you know what I’m saying?
you 40 years old, when you ever gonna stop going out?
what, you gon’ be 50, 60 with no husband, no kids?
i mean, you steady going out with your girlfriends?
i mean, man, just have you a good time, man.
whether you call me back or not, i really don’t care
if you was intendin’ on it or you wasnt. HUNH
I’ma still gon’ have a good life”
 
*CLICK*
 
WHAT IN THE HELL?!?!?!?  This was after FOUR, count them, one, two, three, four…..HOURS!!!!…..not months, not weeks….NOT EVEN DAYS!!!  Four HOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of knowing he even existed. 

Am I living in some type of alternate universe???

This mess is just completely beyond all my comprehension.

TEXTING

A Blessing.
A Curse.

When I don’t want to talk; don’t have time to talk; it’s inappropriate to talk; have poor cell phone reception….texting is a beautiful thing.

When and/or if you are trying to get to know me, to date me, to have a detailed, full-on conversation, texting will make me curse.

The purpose of texting, as a very informed and intelligent friend of mine stated, is to tell, not to talk. (thanks Nic.)

If I need quick information on whereabouts, to confirm details of a meeting, a brief interlude in the day because my thoughts are of you…. these are all quite appropriate uses of texting.

I seem to be ill-equipped for creating the necessary foundation to establish a flourishing interaction with a man based on a series of typed characters across a tiny screen. I guess I’m old school.  It’s too impersonal.

If I’m trying to get to know you……

I want to know how you sound.  Voice inflection.  Whether you compose complete sentences. (<—see what I did there?)

I want to see how you move. Mannerisms.  Demeanor.

I want to smell you.  Confidence smells good, but soap, deodorant and laundry detergent can’t be beat.

I want to be able to touch you……if I want.

But please, make it easier for me to cross you off the proverbial list……text me with copious amounts of slang, misspellings and grammatical errors the same way my 12 and 16 year old godchildren do.  I will gladly remove you from any type of consideration in my world.  I am still paying on my student loans for my professional degree.  You need to be able to use your brain cells as much as I use my mine.

Feel free to eliminate yourself…..text me the same message to begin each exchange……B-O-R-I-N-G!  Unimaginative.

What happened to a well-timed telephone conversation? 

I know our society moves a mile a minute and all, but really…..you need to press pause and just speak to me.

Perfectly poor examples (i.e.: Chumps):

Example #1:

Dude texted me Happy Valentine’s Day…then later, at 9:00 pm texted and asked me if I had any plans for the evening.  Then proceeded to text a request for us to go out and party.

WTF?!?!?  How stupid is that??? HELL NO.  I told him his idea came waayyyyy late.  All he could text in response was that I was right, and that he was bored, at home, alone.

That was his own fault.  Plan better, perhaps????  That might have been a better plan. SMH.

Example #2:

2/1/11 8:53pm What u doing

2/3/11 7:42am Good morning

2/3/11 1:16pm What u doing

2/3/11 8:30pm What u doing**

2/5/11 10:47am Good morning sweetie

2/6/11 9:43am Good morning sweetie

2/6/11 10:00am What u doing

2/9/11 7:40am Good morning**

2/9/11 8:54pm How u doing

2/10/11 10:49am Good morning**

2/11/11 8:31pm What u doing**

2/19/11 2:15pm Hey Sweetie**

3/20/11 11:44am Hey sweetie What u doing**

**I never responded to these texts

I started responding super late from the second text on 2/3/11 until I stopped responding completely.

And that, my good friends, is how you get placed on “IGNORE”.

So if you’re really going to restrict the conversation to texting…..two things:  make it interesting; and know that we’ll never be more than acquaintances.

…..I think I hate texts now.

hair, hair, hair…..always hair.

why y’all always asking about folks’ hair?!?!?

If it looks nice, just pass on a compliment and keep it moving.

I recently crossed paths with this dude……he saw me in person.  he looked me in my face.  he got to watch as I walked away.

then immediately texted me and asked for a picture…….

i sent him one.  one of my old facebook profile photos.  you know…..a random shot i wouldn’t have a problem anyone seeing or having because it’s basically public info that anyone can pick up from the internet…….

hours later, he requests more photos.  WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?  Dude, how about you just ask me out….then you can SEE me – with your two eyes.  No photo necessary.  *shrugs*  That shit is just weird to me.  I still don’t understand why y’all ask for pictures instead of real life.  DUMB.  Has our social-networking-immersed society reduced our primary sensory stimulation to our computer screens (phone screens)?  …anyway.

When this dumb child asked me for more photos, he simultaneously asked if I still “had that long pretty hair”?  This gave me pause.  Did this fool not just SEE me in person a couple hours before? i didn’t wear a hat that day.  no scarf.  no hood on my coat. no umbrella.  ummm, nothing. 

I told him I could have long pretty hair at any given time.   lol

He was confused and asked if that meant it was weave.

I told him: “Yep. It was weave” and told him that he killed the dream.  That he shouldn’t have asked so he could have kept his fantasy going.

Whether he could tell or not, why did it even matter?

If he could tell, he wouldn’t have asked…..if he couldn’t tell, why should he have asked?

This exchange crossed my mind as I watched this young lady on the city bus.  She was……cute. What I mean is she was cute in this objectifiable type of way.  Her face wasn’t what I would consider aesthetically superb to a large percentage of the population, but she  wouldn’t be classified as ugly.  She had the hair done, the nails done.  Had a nice shape.  Like a dancers body with strong gluteal muscles.  How would I know, you ask….because she dressed in clothes that made sure every bit of her toned frame would be viewed clearly by all but the blind.  Neat stretch pants with boots, and a short sweater under a cropped jacket.  Weave down to the middle of her back – let’s say, bra strap length.

So, one could say….she was doing things right, right?  Well, not so fast. . . . . Though her hair coloring matched her tracks, the ENDS of her natural hair were getting a little fried and dry, so the delineation between her natural hair and her additions were clear.  That wasn’t as much a violation as the fact it blew open in the wind and exposed at least 2 or three of her tracks bases  – and THAT pretty much deaded her fantasy scenery for her hair. 

I kept thinking, please let me tighten your tracks and then you can get back to your finished presentation for your package. 

But why did I even care?  I knew it was weave when I looked at it.  And it looked nice….until I saw the back, you know, where I easily located her tracks without even searching for them.

Then I thought about watching BET.  I love The Game.  I hate BET.  wait….I HATE BET.  abhor. detest. loathe.

As an African-American…well, as a Black person in America, I can’t stand BET for the obvious reasons.  They fail.  They are one of the absolute worst representations of Black people that exist.  Which is pathetic. 

But as normal, they reiterate their failure. 

My initial disgust with the BET sitcom Let’s Stay Together was based on a light-skinned, naturally curly-haired gentleman making a negative reference to a dark-brown skinned young woman concerning her relaxed hair.

Several episodes later, I heard another hair reference with different characters…..a doting father (paying his daughter’s credit card bill) asking what his daughter’s baby twins (his grandchildren) would use Indian Remy hair for. REALLY?!?!?  was that HONESTLY the best they could come up with.  Chuckle Chuckle.  Hee Hee.  Ha ha.  HELL.  That chick’s hair looks freakin’ INCREDBILE.  IN EVERY EPISODE SO FAR!  Weave or not.  She looks great! And they could have used a million other things a Black woman would shop for on her credit card that no infant would have a need for.  Like some shoes or makeup or spa services.  SMDH.  Writers need to dig deeper.  Flex some creative muscles.  something.

Then I thought about the last episode of The Game that I viewed.  Did each one of Tasha Mack’s track have to get camera time?  Added absolutely nothing to her character, the story line or the viewing enjoyment. Detracted from all three.  Waste of camera time. Total.

Jennifer Hudson needed a new hairstylist for The Oscars. Seriously.
Beyoncé has appeared as “The Cowardly Lion” from The Wiz…but usually in her performances.
I’m getting used to Brandy’s lacefronts.

White people started extensions. And their use is widespread….still. (see)

….but nobody is really talking about that.