no.

heartbroken.

I’m not sure my heart was ever healed from the first one. ever.

So now it’s kinda like after you crack a vase, glue it back together….. and then keep dropping it.

Not a new pain.  Just one that gets dull over time.  But I guess it’s always there.  You teach yourself how to navigate around it so that you don’t re-instigate any intensity.

And sometimes you are so desensitized, you actually forget it exists. You think it can hold water and pretty flowers and brighten up a whole room……

And in those moments, you risk the hardcore re-injury.

Always hoping that taking that risk…
you will find healing?
At least cushioning.
At least gentleness. tenderness. caring. thoughtfulness.

I’m not trying to risk it no more.
go the fuck away.

leave me the hell alone.

No.
I actually don’t like it over here by myself.
but I have to admit, that is still better than….

…….you.
……….and uncertainty.
…………..and heartbreak.

my last “real” (dysfunctional) love told me once that he couldn’t handle another heartbreak. that it would break him.

now I understand.

these aimless, blinding tears… swooping in suddenly and unpredictably.

torrential emotions…making me feel irrational and unstable… and unsociable…

choking up all my conversation; paralyzing my productivity… and creativity.

y’all can keep this shit.